The Man Who Ate Cheese: The Grossest Poker Story Ever Told

A few years ago I was playing in an underground poker game when I heard the kind of story that instantly sears itself onto the brain. It was the kind of game run by some midlevel bookmakers with security doors and video cameras. The guys were very friendly to all the players, but had the usual guns and muscle around to ominously back up the smiles. The atmosphere surrounding the game is important to note when considering the details of the story.

After a few sessions at a game, you slowly get to know the dealers and players. Between all the bluffs and calls the same stories are told and retold. It is a natural way to fill the silence between riffling chips. The outrageous and humorous stories passed around the table, “poker stories,” come to define a player’s identity as much as the way they play their hands. At this particular game there was an older gentleman who was the source of the grossest “poker story” I’ve ever heard.

I first heard the story from one of the burly dealers. Though the story borders on unbelievable, I knew it was generally believed by a group of guys who knew the subject better and had seen far more in their lives than I. Although he was battling some serious health problems, in his flippant behavior, I could detect the possibility of truth behind the tale. Its disgusting details are the only reason I ever had to doubt it. True or not, it remains grossest “poker story” I’ve ever heard.

Apparently, the older man I sat beside at the poker table had been involved in a fight during his younger years. Despite his current decrepit state, he was a large, lumbering man who still enjoyed a drink and no doubt had experienced more than one fight in his life. He was beating up his opponent pretty badly when the victim began to vomit. Our hero was less concerned about the puke and more intent upon sending a message. From the puddle on the ground he plucked a yet undigested piece of cheese, and, you might easily guess, ate it in front of his victim. He was definitely better at messing with people’s heads than beating them at cards.